I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I didn't notice because vodka
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
