a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
