People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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