Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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