Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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