you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
