Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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