every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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