life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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