Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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