Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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