I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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