i just sent this text using only my big toe
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
