well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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