I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
