I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
