He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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