I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
