I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize