How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
