Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
