Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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