Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
