Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
