a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
