I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
