I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
