Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
