If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
