Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
