Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
