she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
