Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
