someone threw a dead crab at me
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
