I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
There's even glitter on my cock...
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