My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
