I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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