We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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