fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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