I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
