He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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