I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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