It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Can you repeat that, but with context?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
