I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
