a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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