I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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