I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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