I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize