God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
