does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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