im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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