The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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