This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize