Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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