Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You're a waste of cheezeits
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
