I'm sorry my penis didn't work
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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