ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
